Friday, October 26, 2007

October musing

I know I haven't been blogging lately. Sorry about that. Here is what has been up for the last few weeks. . .

Being Breast Cancer Awareness month, lots of activities have made me realize just how huge the Cancer Planet really is. Some friends of mine did the Susan Komen walk in my honor and the Times had cheer cards made for those of us on the sidelines (Thanks Jill, Krista, Jenny, Adria, Maria, Marie and Annica!)





The trip to New York was so wonderful, but exhausting in a way that a couple of days in bed just didn't hack it as far as recovery goes. I know the Abraxane/ Avastin chemo combo is doing its stuff. The side effects are becoming more apparent as the cumulative effects of each treatment kick in. I have bone aches and pains, headaches, swollen hands and feet, and my favorite, a daily bloody nose or two. The steriods have been bringing back the "moon face" look that is sooooo attractive, but they don't seem to be giving me the energy they used to. Dang it. I spend a lot of time just laying around. And I hate that.

Earlier this month I had a couple of visits from friends that was nice, particularly since I have (almost) figured out that it is OK for me not to be the normal "hostess with the mostest" with gleaming baseboards, shiny sinks and inviting guest rooms. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, just watch any of the at home scenes in MAD MEN on AMC.) It is hard to admit that you can't do what you used to do, but I think it bothers me a lot more than anyone else. My friends just seem just glad to be here. Here are a few pics from a BBQ Shrimp dinner at my house that was a great celebration of old friends and new. . .






I do have that attitude in general, (I really am SOOOO GLAD TO BE HERE-- in the larger sense) but I need to apply it more broadly these days. I hate that throwing a dinner party -- something that used to be a favorite activity of mine-- now is exhausting to the point of no return. But the morning after, I look at the pictures and remember the funny things that happened and I am overjoyed that I did it. After all, I am going to be tired whether I am sitting here alone or surrounded by friends so why not occasionally take the plunge? It is worth it, but I just have to pace myself, something I was never good at.

I hate that when my best friend Tami visits from Colorado with her toddler -- who I adore-- they have to stay up the street at a friend's house and just visit me each day. But on the other hand, I am in awe that my friend and neighbor Julie opened her house up to my visitors with such grace and kindness. It made the time I spent with Tami and her son Rhodes so much more enjoyable as I was able to rest between visits. Another great friend Lise was just as helpful, running to the airport and helping watch Rhodes so Tami and I could go see David Sedaris speak at a local theatre.
Watch Rhodes get a ride from Jill's swim-crazy yorkie, Caldonia.
(See more video and pics at my jillavison blog, http://jillavision.blogspot.com/)

I had a PET scan yesterday to see how the chemo was working on my tumors and will get the results on Monday. Another woman who started the same treatment as I did on the same day got her results a couple of weeks ago (I am behind as I had to stop treatment because of an infection for a few weeks). Her tumors are GONE! That makes me feel very hopeful and ready to celebrate if I get similar (or any) good news. If not, there are other chemos to try and I know I have the best doctor who is as determined as I am to stave off new tumor growth. I promise to post the results on Monday.


I met Elizabeth Edwards recently at a fundraiser for St. Anthony’s Breast Center (This is at the hospital where my oncologist's office is) and she is taking Avastin with Xeloda as opposed to my Avastin/abraxane and says she is doing great with it. She certainly looks great and was an inspiration to the many survivors who were there. I know when I was on the Xeloda it seemed to affect me less than this current treatment as far as side effects go. What I really admired about Elizabeth was her attitude about living was the combination of hope and practicality. Yes she has a “terminal” disease. So do I. But really, aren’t we all terminal? Some of us just know better how we are probably going to die. In a way, that is not such a bad thing.

It is a gift to have deadlines placed in your path. AS a chronic procrastinator, (just ask my boss and newsroom editors!) I would have never gotten my act together to do the amazing New York trip had I not felt the sense of urgency that having stage 4 cancer brings. Rather than waiting to see if Bruce Springsteen comes to Florida after the European leg of his tour, I am trying to figure out how I can get to Boston or DC (or both!) to see him in a few weeks. A Springsteen concert has never ever done anything but brought me joy and happiness – and so even if my coffers are still empty from the NYC excursion, I just need to let go of my worries and GO! I will keep you posted on that, my friends.

Right now, I have an assignment for you. What is that one thing that you have planned forever but haven’t done yet? Is it spending a month in Belizean tree house or learning the guitar? Skydiving or becoming a foster parent? What ever it is—start doing it now. You will wonder what you were waiting on.

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